funnie stuff....

[kilroy63]

ok smart asses.

the definitions of 'guts' and 'balls'

gut's is after partying with the guys and coming home late smelling of beer, where your wife meets you at the door with a broom in her hand .......and you say.....ARE YOU STILL CLEANING, OR ARE YOU FLYING SOMEWHERE?

balls is after partying with the guys and coming hone late smelling of beer ,and perfume with lipstick on your collar, meeting your wife at the door
slapping her on the ass and saying YOUR NEXT!!!

regaurdless of the definitions the outcome is still the same......

[markw76]

Beauty of Math !

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it?

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321

[Marlin 45 carbine]

ain't ya glad the west adopted arabic numbers instead of roman?

[kilroy63]

okay how do mexicans take a family portrait?

you pack all 14 kids in the car, run a red light, and wait for the picture in the mail............ it's just a joke so all you hispanic guys feel free to hit me with some of your gringo jokes.......

[markw76]

Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.


At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

[markw76]

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is legally offensive in thirteen states.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

You're an expert on worm beds.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

Your family tree does not fork.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

You haul more than U-Haul.

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Guns & Ammo" deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

Birds are attracted to your beard.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

[kilroy63]

mark yuare shores is hards on us 5th grade edumacated rednecks.......

in east texes people put old toilet bowles in thier front yards and plant flowers in them......i don't know why , but iv'e only seen it in east texas....

what are a renecks famous last words?

hey yall watch this!

give me that there 5 gallon can of gas , i'll get the grill goin.....

wanna fight about it?

here hold my beer.....

yep i know all there is to knows about electricty

i am gonna climb into that corral and distract the bull,

this here hemi is faster than tha sissy train........

shut up billy bob the still is not gonna explode,,,,,,,

and things you do not say in a biker bar........

hey ! who the hell parked all these harleys out here?

do you have any wine?

hey does anybody here know anything about hondas?

yeah i gotta bike itS that rice rocket parked out there next to those harleys

come agian ,? you said hogs, i thought you were talkin about motorcycles....

hey there is no manalow on the juke box........

i don't think you guys understand......i am proud to say...i'm gay..........


hey nark keep up the redneck jokes......im game.......

[markw76]

sorry...they're the only really common white folks joke...I did finally manage to find these:

What do you call 500,000 white guys jumping out of a plane?
Snow.

What do you call a bunch of white guys in a circle?
A Dope Ring!

What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.

Why do so many white people get lost skiing?
It's hard to find them in the snow.

What did they white guy do before his blood test?
He studied.

How long does it take for a white women to take a crap???
9 months

What's the difference between a white man and a snake?
One is a evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and the other is a snake.

How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.

What did the black guy do with his M&Ms?
Eat them

What did they white guy try and do with his?
Put them in alphabetical order

What did a white guy see when he looked at his family tree?
A straight line!

[BobSmith]

Speaking of red neck jokes this might be funny if I did not know the guy it happened to. But if he died it would definitely be one for the Darwin awards.

This middle age red neck was out hunting on the first day of dove season with his to young sons when he thought that it would be a good idea to put some dove decoys on the power lines. Somehow he managed to get them up ok but about half way through his hunt a stiff wind knocked them over and he diced to go back up the ladder to straighten them up. That was when it got him. They had to amputate both of his feet but other than that he survived.

[Marlin 45 carbine]

this ol' boy had just one young'un a daughter that was a real tomboy and doted on her daddy.
he would some saturdays go out and scratch around, fill his trucks gas tank and get a haircut and such, finally his daughter begged to go with him on saturday so much that he relented and took her w/him. he made his rounds and went to the barber shop and told his daughter she had to stay in the truck and she threw a fit so he let her come with him. once inside he bought her a pack of twinkies to munch on while he got his haircut. while the barber was plying his trade the little girl was very interested and got real up close to watch what he was doing. the barber quipped 'little girl you're going to get hair on your twinkie'
she replys 'I know, phys ed teacher says our hooters will start to grow when that happens too'!

[tri70]

1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

[tri70]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?"Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
“Well, what am I suppose d to do now? "
"The folks at your health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[TNZ71]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.



again lifted from http://www.theospark.net/2009/10/best-short-joke.html

[tri70]

These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8-years old. Hateful little turd Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also, 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[tri70]

KFC just announced an addition to their chicken dinners.

It's called the Obama Cabinet Bucket.


It consists of nothing but
left wings and buttholes.

[kilroy63]

a man goes hunting and kills a deer, he then cooks some of it up, and sets it on the table in front of his three young kids, they say what did you cook? he says well i'll give you a hint, it's what your mom is always calling me........the oldest boy jumps up and yells at the other two,,,,,,,,don't eat it it's a d$ck..........

[markw76]

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash scene, then when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was the hell was that?!" - Jack Handy

[markw76]

(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)
Me: “Can I help you?”
Customer: “Gimme all the f***ing medicine!”
(Teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)
Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”
Customer: “Oh…okay.”
(He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)
Manager: “Who was that?”
Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”
Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”
(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year old boxer built like a fridge.)
Me: “Doug started working today.”

[markw76]

(I have a tattoo on my foot of a vine of ivy. Usually, I hide it with my socks and shoes while working, but one day they get wet on the playground so I take them off to keep from getting blisters. While I’m changing shoes, a child notices the tattoo.)
Child: “Oh! What’s that?”
Me: “It’s a tattoo, it’s like a permanent drawing on your skin you can get when your 18.”
Child: “Can I touch it?”
Me: “Sure, it just feels like skin.”
(Several kids come over to touch my tattoo. A mother walks in.)
Mother: “Is that a tattoo?”
Me: “Yes.”
Mother: “You should be ashamed! You are setting a bad example for these children! That could be a gang symbol or related to drugs like marijuana!”
Me: “Ma’am, it’s just ivy.”
Mother: “What?! I don’t know anything about your drug symbols. This is highly unprofessional and I will be speaking to your boss! Advocating drugs like this!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Next time I’ll be sure to hide my tattoo, but I assure you it has nothing to do with drugs or any illegal behavior.”
Mother: “You’d better! I can’t believe you would be allowed to work with kids!”
(The mother bends over to pick up daughter, and I see a pair of dolphins tattooed very low on her back–AKA a “tramp stamp”. It’s visible just above her thong and low rise jeans. Rightly or wrongly, these tattoos often have a negative connotation.)
Me: “Nice dolphins.”
Mother: “I’m an adult! Don’t you judge me!”

[kilroy63]

a$$ antlers they are called to be observed when they are egaged in somewhat questionable activities...... yes you are right i am a ho..........call me........

[tri70]

AIN'T LOVE GRAND

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host,

'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your
wife those loving pet names 'The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you
the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm
scared to death to ask the cranky old hag what her name is.'

[kilroy63]

that's not funny,,,,,,,,,,,,oh yes it is! messed up but funny just the same

[gossman]

Don't remember is this has been posted, still funny

Two Washington politicians had locked themselves out of their car, and unfortunately some important papers they needed for a meeting were inside. "Let's use a coat hanger to pull up the lock," suggested the first.

"Oh, no," argued the second. "Someone might see us and think we were trying to break in."

"Then we could use my pocketknife to cut away the rubber around the window and stick our fingers through to pull up the lock."

"No, no! People would think we're too stupid to know how to use a coat hanger to open cars."

"Well, we'd better do something fast. The top's down and it's starting to rain."

[markw76]

I first saw that as a blonde joke. Fits.

[gossman]

Soon it will be on the political thread as a "fact"

[kilroy63]

five polititions were riding in a pickup truck 2 in the cab and 3 in the back when the truck ran off a bridge into the river. the 2 in the cab swam to safety, the three in the back drowned cause they could not get the tailgate down.....

[markw76]

I just know you wanted to write that as Democrats, too.....

[trforester]

Q: What did the Yooper say to the Pilsbury Doughboy?












A: Nice tan....

[Pat-inCO]

This is how you Fix Windoz

[markw76]

That's more like "how to keep a n00b busy for an hour".......